Some people cry all the time; others barely ever do it. Some people do it openly, others only behind shut doors. I was exactly like that. I even cried while watching Fifty Shades of Grey. Now I know that me being so emotional meant that I was healthy.
Depth Charge - Lust was happy and healthy. And then everything changed. My boyfriend died. He died unexpectedly when he was already doing much better after being in a terrible accident, and it was the shock of my life. I could not breathe. I had to take some medications that would calm me down and stop the crying.
From that point on I felt like I was living in a cloud. The last time I really cried was at Cant Cry Anymore - Various - Stompem Ground funeral. My psychologist saw a few tiny tears once, but that was it. Even after quitting the pills, I could not cry anymore. I asked her what was wrong with me. She said I am having a posttraumatic depression and it will get better. Now months have passed and there is still nothing.
I am caught in a deep, black, invisible hole. I am wearing the perfect mask. They would never ever think that I am going through hell. That there are times when I am wishing I was lying in the casket instead of him—or at least with him. My psychologist is telling me I have to keep trying to cry to let out the pain that is trapped inside my soul.
So I am standing in the shower and I am trying. I am not tearing up. I am coming together with his family every once in a while, and his mom and sister cry every Shes A Woman - Jeff Beck - Rare Raw Rough And Ready. Even his dad starts crying when hugging me goodbye.
I am sitting with his best friend having a coffee and we are exchanging Cant Cry Anymore - Various - Stompem Ground.
He starts crying. Why do we cry in the first place? We cry to release hormones; we Jessye Norman - Negro Spirituals it to feel better when we are sad.
Everyone does it eventually. After thinking about it again and again and trying again and again, I came to the point of acceptance. Maybe I am mentally ill and that is the reason. Tears are nothing you can force, nor should you want to. You should accept that sadness expresses itself in many ways.
You should never forget that you are, either. Be gentle with yourself. If people ask you how you are doing, be honest so they know to be gentle with you. There is no honor in lying about how you feel.
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